Dear Cow-orker,

Every year we try to give you the nice perk of free branded clothing. Note the adjective "branded." We do this because we thought perhaps you might appreciate having free wardrobe, and thought the small onus of wearing our logo was not a difficult one to accept. We even allow you to choose the logo to be whatever you wish, up to and including matching the fabric of the item you're planning to wear.

This year we thought we'd offer you even more options, by creating an online store through the vendor, which would allow you the freedom to have items sent directly to your home, as well as grant you privacy about what size you might be needing. Do not abuse our generosity by trying to purchase clothing without a logo. You cannot do this. Yes, I know the website allows you to do it, but what will happen is you will get a call from the vendor, telling you that you can't, and by the way, you now owe an additional $5.95 for the logo; pay up. This delays your order. Do not further abuse our generosity by attempting to get a logo on the sleeve, back or hem of your item. Again, this will only further delay your order, as the vendor will have to change your order to left side chest.

Seriously, people. This is why we can't have nice things.

No love,

Me.

Dear Tissue Thief,

I understand that you may have needed a tissue. However, my desk is not a supply room. Things on this desk are not for public use nor consumption. I purchased these tissues with my own money. They are for my use, just as things on YOUR desk are for YOUR use.

Oh, and coming behind me, in full view of my computer monitor, to take that tissue, without even so much of an "excuse me" or "do you mind"? So very not cool. Learn to respect personal space and boundaries.

And yes, the "not for public use" I just wrote on the tissue box? That's totally about you.

No love,

Me.

Dear Applicant,

Seriously? You're going to put your spittle-encrusted styrofoam cup on my desk and leave it there? What is wrong with you? Did you stop to consider asking if there was a trash can to leave your germ-infested detritus? Whatever gave you the idea that littering my workspace was acceptable? Do I come to your office and drop used kleenex on your keyboard? I didn't think so.

No love,

Me.

Dear Neighboring Tenant

FedEx screwed up this morning and delivered an envelope that was meant for you to our offices. Being the kind soul that I am, I took it upon myself to go to your floor and deliver this misdelivered item to its intended recipient. I thought, perhaps, that since it was sent priority overnight that may have been of some importance, and therefore would ensure a prompt delivery, rather than wait for tomorrow for the FedEx person to arrive again to hand it off.

Do not reward my kindness by telling me to "wait here" and then disappear into the bowels of your company. I don't work for you, or your company, and my time is not for you to waste. So I'm sure you'll understand that I ignored your order and placed the envelope on the countertop. If this isn't to your procedure, you can fire me. Oh, wait. I don't work for you. Okay, maybe you can make a comment in my performance review? Oh, wait. I. Don't. Work. For. You.

No love,

Me.

Dear Interrupting Cow-orker,

I realize that it's difficult to comprehend that I could possibly be having a meeting while sitting at the front desk. After all, it is nigh on impossible to get actual work done while sitting in a fishbowl. Still, I give it the ol' college try. It would be great if you could assist me in achieving this goal by NOT interrupting my meeting to have a four minute conversation with the person who has allotted 30 minutes to discuss an issue with me. Surprisingly enough, the issue is not what happened on Lost or on American Idol. Really. For that conversation, I recommend the set of cubes down the way. In the meantime, STFU and let me attempt to be productive.

No love,

Me.

Dear Creative with the Truth,

When you come up to me asking for a visitor badge, and I tell you to remember to drop it off at the end of the day, don't stand there and bald-faced lie to me that you "always do that." You do not. Trust me. I have the log book. I see when badges are logged in and logged out. I have had to follow up with you to request returns in the past. How about you just nod and smile, take the damned badge, and promise to return it before you leave today. It would be a novel experience for me. DIAF.

No love,

Me.

Dear Dimwitted Consultant -

I am not sure how it is you are considered to be an expert in IT, as a simple fax machine appears to be beyond you. Let me explain how it works. Just as the picture on the machine indicates, you are to place your papers face up. This way, your intended party doesn't receive a bunch of blank sheets of paper. Also, as I told you, you must dial 9 for an outside line, just as you do on your regular phone. Also, if it's long distance, you have to dial a 1. No, you dial the 9 first, and then the 1. Don't forget the area code. No, you dial the 9 first. Then the 1. Then the area code. And then the number. Have you forgotten how to call someone from a POTS line? Sweet jesus, do you people get stupider the more letters you have following the end of your name? PhD for you stands for Phony Dumbass, doesn't it.

No love,

Me.

Dear Office Supply Vendor:

I emailed you to tell you that you shorted us on a delivery. Do not question my ability to read a packing slip by asking me if it is noted as backordered, and do not tell me I should have told you immediately after it was delivered. I notified you immediately after I finished separating out the order. I'm sorry if that wasn't to your pre-defined schedule, but office supplies are low on my list of duties here. Do not confuse your priorities with mine.

No love,

Me.

Dear Sweet Co-Worker With No Sense of Time,

Don't come up to my desk at 11:58 a.m. and ask if it's possible to get lunch ordered in for your group. Even if I were to order pizza for the 10 of you, it would be a good hour or more before it got here. And no, I won't go out and get it for you. You're not even in my department. I order food for you periodically as a favor, not as a requirement. Now trot your happy asses downstairs to the deli and get your own damned lunch.

No love,

Me.

Dear Lazy Co-Worker,

You are constantly asking for a visitor badge, because you left yours in your car. For whatever reason, you can't be bothered to walk back outside (in this absolutely gorgeous weather, I might add) to get your badge, because it might make you waste an additional two minutes of your day. It doesn't matter that I then have to spend MY time tracking that badge down several days later because you forgot to drop it back off to me. Missing badges makes me look bad.

No love,

Me.

Dear Intrusive Co-Worker,

I don't start rooting through your desk to look for something. Why are you doing it to mine? While I can understand that you (once again) forgot your badge, I'm sitting right here. I can sign one out to you. While I'm stuck at this front desk, it does NOT mean I'm not working on something important (even if right now I'm composing a letter about you in LJ) and highly confidential. Maybe it's the new org chart I'm updating, showing who is gone and who is promoted and hey guess what it's not you. Stay on your side of the desk and I'll stay on mine.

No love,

Me.

Dear Incredibly Rude and Loud Cow-orkers,

Just because I drew the short straw and am stuck doing front desk duty does NOT mean that I don't have other tasks that I need to do. Some of these require a great deal of concentration. Having your little pow-wows in the chairs across the room from me bring down my productivity levels. Go find a conference room. And for gods sake, STFU.

No love,

Me.

It's time

Where I work is sometimes stressful. I'm quite certain many can relate to this. I discovered that writing letters can sometimes relieve the stress, even if they will never be read by the person to whom they were intended to be sent.

This does not stop me from sharing them with you.