Dear Accounting -
Why are you giving me a check to take to the bank to cash? I'm pretty sure that's part of your job description. I understand that you're going on vacation. Perhaps if you stopped taking breaks every 30 minutes you'd get your job done. There are two of us in the administrative staff. There are seven of you. I do not understand why you keep pushing your shit off on to me. Hey! I see you leaving to get on the elevator. Take your check with you! No?
No love,
Me.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Employee survey
Dear Management,
It's time for the annual survey. How nice. I will complete it, just as I do every year. I'm just not sure why I bother. It's not that I fear being discovered when I lambast you with my vitriolic rants -- the third party service that tabulates the results assures us that our answers truly are anonymous, and really considering my comments the last two years have been equally disdainful and dripping with sarcasm and it hasn't resulted in termination then I imagine they are being truthful -- it's more that despite my honest, always scathing, criticism, nothing changes. The complaints have been the same for three years in a row. It appears that you note the problems, and then just ignore them. So as I tabulate my disagrees and strongly disagrees and compare them to my agrees, I realize just how desperately unhappy I am here. And while blogging my discontent in no love letters is a lovely pasttime, it does not allow for positive growth. I think perhaps I'll make another suggestion this year that will likely get ignored -- better mental health benefits. It appears the majority of your employees will require it as they are continued to be walked over on your quest to be the laughable and forever unattainable "100 best places to work."
No love, but lots of apathy,
Me.
It's time for the annual survey. How nice. I will complete it, just as I do every year. I'm just not sure why I bother. It's not that I fear being discovered when I lambast you with my vitriolic rants -- the third party service that tabulates the results assures us that our answers truly are anonymous, and really considering my comments the last two years have been equally disdainful and dripping with sarcasm and it hasn't resulted in termination then I imagine they are being truthful -- it's more that despite my honest, always scathing, criticism, nothing changes. The complaints have been the same for three years in a row. It appears that you note the problems, and then just ignore them. So as I tabulate my disagrees and strongly disagrees and compare them to my agrees, I realize just how desperately unhappy I am here. And while blogging my discontent in no love letters is a lovely pasttime, it does not allow for positive growth. I think perhaps I'll make another suggestion this year that will likely get ignored -- better mental health benefits. It appears the majority of your employees will require it as they are continued to be walked over on your quest to be the laughable and forever unattainable "100 best places to work."
No love, but lots of apathy,
Me.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Dear Disgusting cow-orkers -
Okay that was just one giant mess of ew. My dear ladies, I did not appreciate going into the restroom this afternoon to discover your little present you left dangling down the side of the toilet bowl. Perhaps you need more fiber in your diet? Would you like some immodium? How about a paper towel to clean up your own mess?
That ... that was disgusting. No, don't worry. I cleaned up for you, because I have children and therefore am used to disgusting messes that they would refuse to clean. I just didn't think I'd have to do it HERE.
No love,
That ... that was disgusting. No, don't worry. I cleaned up for you, because I have children and therefore am used to disgusting messes that they would refuse to clean. I just didn't think I'd have to do it HERE.
No love,
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Dear Cow-orker,
Every year we try to give you the nice perk of free branded clothing. Note the adjective "branded." We do this because we thought perhaps you might appreciate having free wardrobe, and thought the small onus of wearing our logo was not a difficult one to accept. We even allow you to choose the logo to be whatever you wish, up to and including matching the fabric of the item you're planning to wear.
This year we thought we'd offer you even more options, by creating an online store through the vendor, which would allow you the freedom to have items sent directly to your home, as well as grant you privacy about what size you might be needing. Do not abuse our generosity by trying to purchase clothing without a logo. You cannot do this. Yes, I know the website allows you to do it, but what will happen is you will get a call from the vendor, telling you that you can't, and by the way, you now owe an additional $5.95 for the logo; pay up. This delays your order. Do not further abuse our generosity by attempting to get a logo on the sleeve, back or hem of your item. Again, this will only further delay your order, as the vendor will have to change your order to left side chest.
Seriously, people. This is why we can't have nice things.
No love,
Me.
This year we thought we'd offer you even more options, by creating an online store through the vendor, which would allow you the freedom to have items sent directly to your home, as well as grant you privacy about what size you might be needing. Do not abuse our generosity by trying to purchase clothing without a logo. You cannot do this. Yes, I know the website allows you to do it, but what will happen is you will get a call from the vendor, telling you that you can't, and by the way, you now owe an additional $5.95 for the logo; pay up. This delays your order. Do not further abuse our generosity by attempting to get a logo on the sleeve, back or hem of your item. Again, this will only further delay your order, as the vendor will have to change your order to left side chest.
Seriously, people. This is why we can't have nice things.
No love,
Me.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Dear Tissue Thief,
I understand that you may have needed a tissue. However, my desk is not a supply room. Things on this desk are not for public use nor consumption. I purchased these tissues with my own money. They are for my use, just as things on YOUR desk are for YOUR use.
Oh, and coming behind me, in full view of my computer monitor, to take that tissue, without even so much of an "excuse me" or "do you mind"? So very not cool. Learn to respect personal space and boundaries.
And yes, the "not for public use" I just wrote on the tissue box? That's totally about you.
No love,
Me.
Oh, and coming behind me, in full view of my computer monitor, to take that tissue, without even so much of an "excuse me" or "do you mind"? So very not cool. Learn to respect personal space and boundaries.
And yes, the "not for public use" I just wrote on the tissue box? That's totally about you.
No love,
Me.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Dear Applicant,
Seriously? You're going to put your spittle-encrusted styrofoam cup on my desk and leave it there? What is wrong with you? Did you stop to consider asking if there was a trash can to leave your germ-infested detritus? Whatever gave you the idea that littering my workspace was acceptable? Do I come to your office and drop used kleenex on your keyboard? I didn't think so.
No love,
Me.
No love,
Me.
Dear Neighboring Tenant
FedEx screwed up this morning and delivered an envelope that was meant for you to our offices. Being the kind soul that I am, I took it upon myself to go to your floor and deliver this misdelivered item to its intended recipient. I thought, perhaps, that since it was sent priority overnight that may have been of some importance, and therefore would ensure a prompt delivery, rather than wait for tomorrow for the FedEx person to arrive again to hand it off.
Do not reward my kindness by telling me to "wait here" and then disappear into the bowels of your company. I don't work for you, or your company, and my time is not for you to waste. So I'm sure you'll understand that I ignored your order and placed the envelope on the countertop. If this isn't to your procedure, you can fire me. Oh, wait. I don't work for you. Okay, maybe you can make a comment in my performance review? Oh, wait. I. Don't. Work. For. You.
No love,
Me.
Do not reward my kindness by telling me to "wait here" and then disappear into the bowels of your company. I don't work for you, or your company, and my time is not for you to waste. So I'm sure you'll understand that I ignored your order and placed the envelope on the countertop. If this isn't to your procedure, you can fire me. Oh, wait. I don't work for you. Okay, maybe you can make a comment in my performance review? Oh, wait. I. Don't. Work. For. You.
No love,
Me.
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